Sugar, spice, and everything painful and broken.
I don’t wanna blog. There is so much going on right now that I feel that I don’t want to spend any energy on pouring out, but as my title says; These are the things hearts are made of.
As you may or may not have heard my wife Ashley was pregnant. We were 11 weeks along and went in this last Tuesday to the OB’s to find out that the baby had stopped growing. No heartbeat. She went in today to have a DNC.
We are still taking everything in, it’s been 3 days, and obviously, there is SO MUCH MORE than I could write going on right now in my wife and my own heart, but I will share some of my top-coat thoughts as they have been coming to me since we started down this unexpected turn.
1. God is in control. Even though there are questions, pain, fear of future issues, physical and emotional implications, and stress etc. God is in control. His mercy and love are always there evident in our lives and circumstances.
2. The hurt comes and goes. For me, thinking that it could be 18 months + before we could possibly even hope to have another child is scary. We had dreams and hopes already. Looked at names, furniture, talked specifics, shared our excitement with friends, family, our church. It’s painful to go back and re-share the loss and experience their sorrow for us one person at a time. Thoughts like that just bring the pain right back.
We are thankful, however, that we have strong loving people around us to love and support us. http://JourneyChurchNow.com 
3. I am very optimistic. I almost feel guilty that I am so focused on the positive things that are to come as opposed to crumbling under the loss. God has blessed Ashley and I and I do count my blessings in a time like this. My beautiful, kind, forgiving, intelligent, sensitive wife. My “couldn’t be any better” baby girl. Who is healthy, beautiful, energetic, so smart, and straight from the hands of God. A family that loves us and has shown it time and time again toward Ashley and I. Friends that honor and love us, showing their kindness and willingness to help every time we are in need. An amazing sincere God-loving church to serve in and a job that is fulfilling, challenging, humbling, pays money (cuz thats kind of a blessing) and I have a boss who is loving and uncompromising in our purpose and calling. Our future is not dim. It shines bright and is full of life, excitement, and joy because of the God that Ashley and I love and love to serve.
4. I am not foolish enough to think that my optimism is a sign that I am over this, or that there won’t be things to deal with in the future. I haven’t really broken down from this yet, and maybe I won’t, but I know that mourning is appropriate and an important step in the healing process, and I am more than willing to give in and mourn over a baby lost. To cry with my wife who was already carrying and connecting with that life in her. This sadness will only magnify our gladness when God reveals himself and also when we finally do have that second child.
I might blog on this down the road or not, I don’t know, but I do have hope that there is more to come, good and bad, and that we WILL make it through and be all the better for it because my Daddy is the God of the universe, and He knows how to take care of me and my family.
I hope you are blessed and encouraged by this. I hope your faith is raised to not only stand but to walk forward; to step out and move.
and we experienced the deepest sadness we’ve experienced thus far in this life, and going through the surgery to remove the miscarried baby that would have arrived in January. And although, admittedly, it is still a sad subject, we will soon, and very soon, celebrate the birth of our 2nd daughter (what if it is a boy?? ahhhh) Adelyn Makenna Clark.